The Desire to Control
This is not a part of my life I am proud of but perhaps in explaining it here I shall be rid of some of the shame and guilt I have felt. You see, I am a good man. I have served my community faithfully and never wavered from the honorable and just beliefs I hold. I would like to live what little remains of my life knowing that I have done good by my fellow man.
I have been tempted before to control others. As a doctor there is a certain sense of “power” that comes with the interaction with patients. Real or not, it is perceived and therein lies great opportunity for those that might wish to exploit it. I do not believe I ever used that kind of persuasion as a practicing doctor to harm anyone. But I do have a memory that haunts me to this day and my shed light on my actions with Jim Groom and the ds106 community.
As a child I was often found in the summer months at the lake nearby our home. The lake was small to an adult, but for a young boy it was large enough to seem immense. The lads that gathered there ranged in ages, older siblings with younger, some even were just babes. The lake offered numerous opportunities for games and there were stones to be tossed and rafts to me made.
I recall on summer day I was with a group of younger lads and we had built a boat as it were of logs and twine. We were to sail the ocean blue in our new ship and, being the taller and older boy, I would be the captain! So we shoved off and all reaching over the edge of the boat, scraping our knees on the rough bark and broken twits, we dutifully paddled away from shore. I gave orders, “Right Turn! There is a whale to catch!” and so on it went for some time until we were quite some ways from the shore.
I became a tyrant. I ordered them to and fro. This way and that. For a while they bent to my will. Soon I was scolding them for insubordination. Yelling, “You miserable bilge rat!” And soon they were crying and I was laughing.
A breeze began to push our makeshift boat further away from the shore and I encouraged my crew the paddle harder to fight the wind and get back to the land. My mates knees were bruised and their hands raw from being wet and torn by the rough branches and logs. They began to complain. I ordered them on, “Harder, harder good crew!”
Seeing the challenge we now faced I had to make a decision. Stay with them and be driven to the far shore of the lake or jump ship and swim to shore. I foolishly chose the ladder.
I remember to this day the screaming of the boys, too far away from the shore to feel comfortable about swimming and seeing their leader dive overboard and swim away from them. I was the leader and I abandoned them.
So you see that I have a background in abusing control and I am not proud of it. When the strange ds106 Twitter came to me and I was seemingly recognized as being “THE” Dr. Oblivion I was unable to control my desire to step into that role, as a captain of a small ship, and make commands to the crew. And so I did. Thankfully I came to my senses after the threats from Mr. Groom and his man, and from guilt. And even as I tried to back away from the situation, many of those on the board still referred to me as captain. In my mind they were screaming for me to come back and not abandon them. It haunt me this very minute.
There you have it. My side of the story. I know there are others and I know I made mistakes. Ii hope those who were injured can forgive me. I ask it.
In my next bit of writing I plan to address the TwitterHug and how I might be able to us it for the betterment of mankind.